Spring Cleaning
by Alice Kim
Summary: The Akatsuki are on spring cleaning! Deidara finds a thick album of Akatsuki photos, fanpics, and fanfics in his bathroom...and the unwise Akatsuki decide to venture within its fangirly pages...CRACK FIC/T for Hidan


This fanfiction was originally called "Old Photos" and was to be a story in which the Akatsuki members shared their baby pictures. I got the idea from watching "Ask an Anime Character" at Kawaii Kon when Ed asked Colenal (someone like that. Whatever. Sorry for bad spelling.) why he looked like he had boobs in one picture and he replied, "No, no Ed. I'm the one on the right."

I didn't go to Kawaii Kon but I wish I did...

Well, this stuff is made of pure crack, so enjoy!

P.S. if I get good feedback, I might do another crack fic where the Akatsuki goes to prom :D

* * *

><p>The Akatsuki were on spring cleaning today! Today's cleaning consisted of fourteen old socks, three human arms (in which Zetsu ate by accident, angering Hidan who was planning to sacrifice it to Jashin), about three hundred twenty seven curses from Hidan, five stray dollar bills (which Kakuzu snatched up right away), thirty old Play-doh cans from Deidara, a Pinocchio blue-ray special-edition DVD that snapped in half along with a Barbie doll from Sasori's room (in which we shall not go any further into), a random bra from Konan, who claimed it was "too small now" and a partridge on a pear tree.<p>

Deidara was throwing away old pieces of clay when he fished out a book from the cabinet under his bathroom sink.

"What's this? And how come it's in the bathroom? It better not be Hidan's album of sacrifices I found last week…heh, sacrifices. How odd that they were all hot women…hey, where'd my usual 'un' go? I am not using the English dub's 'yeah'…oh well."

He flipped though it and screamed.

Everyone heard the high-pitched nonsense and burst into Deidara's bathroom.

"What the fuck, dude?" Hidan snapped.

"Check this out!" He was stifling a laugh and had his rape face on.

Hidan snatched the book out of Dei's hands and everyone crowded around it as he opened it slowly and dramatically.

It was…

A photo album.

They were all pictures and a few words in the thick book.

"Dude, why the hell do you have pictures of us in your bathro- oh fuck no!"

"It's not mine!" Deidara snapped, "My handwriting is much girlier than that and I wouldn't have any of you in it! It would just be a Sasori album!"

"That's right-wait, what?"

At first, the album held screen shots from the anime and manga, including the first appearance and cover pages of each Akatsuki member, both in monochrome and in color.

Sasori smirked at his chapter cover, "I'm sexy."

Deidara smirked back, "I know."

Sasori dropped his smirk and slowly crept away from the blonde, "This isn't real…I'm supposed to be the one flirting with Dei, not the other way around!"

"Let me be on top for once! DeiSaso exists too!"

Konan took out a marker and started drawing on Pein's first appearance (after everyone wooed "So that's how he looks like"), "This isn't really Pein. Do you want to see the real Pein?"

Pein snatched the book out of Hidan's hands and scowled at Konan, "There are secrets that should be kept secrets, Konan. Let's not ruin it for the people who haven't been up-to-date on the manga yet."

"Too late," Konan snatched the book out of her leader's hands and turned to the page on Nagato.

"FFFFFUUUU-"

"HE'S DAMN ANOREXIC!"

"OR BULIMIC!"

"MAYBE EVEN BOTH!"

"TOBI IS NOT OBITO HE IS MADARA!"

No one paid any attention.

Furious Pein turned to a picture of Sasuke stabbing Itachi on the back from the chapter where Itachi was killed ("Hey, if you're dead, what're you doing here?" "Dude, pretty much all of us are dead. This is probably a fanfiction." "Holy fuck, we're in a fanfiction?" "Why else do you think there are no pictures and Sasori's throwing away his Barbie doll?" "Touché, fucker.") and everyone started booing and screaming "emo bastard!" at his face. They all whipped out Sharpie markers and started scribbling all over his picture like it was a yearbook in high school while Itachi whimpered, "What are you guys doing? I like my brother!"

"Speaking of which, how come ninjas don't learn things like…math…and stuff?" Kisame wondered aloud as Itachi answered.

"Didn't you watch the episodes with the Chuninn exam in the first season before we came in? There was one question about the distance a kunai would go depending on wind direction and speed…or something like that. You know, the one with where the pink-haired bitch…or was it Sasuke…anyway, one of them read it aloud, pulled back their hair and then thought 'this is impossible without having the experience to explain'."

"Yeah, ok…but what about high school?" Kakuzu exclaimed, getting weird looks from everyone.

"What're you talking blabbering about?" Zetsu asked.

"I mean, look at this! In the first season, everyone graduated from the academy around the age of 11-13! That means the ninja academies only go up to the middle school level and after that, they're all on their own! And if you fail the exam, you just go to the academy and relearn all the crap they teach you! There's no high school!"

Konan screamed in realization, "OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED THAT! HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT BEFORE? I READ TWILIGHT AND I DIDN'T SEE THAT? THIS MEANS WE NEVER HAD A PROM!"

"Oh em gee," Deidara rolled his eyes, "We'll have an Akatsuki prom after this parody."

"Oh, ok."

"TOBI LIKES HIS PICTURE! TOBI THINKS TOBI LOOKS LIKE A LOLLIPOP!"

"Shut up."

Pein slowly turned the next page.

There was a preface page that said nothing but "fan-art".

"We have fans?" Zetsu asked, surprised.

"All of us have more fans than you and Kisame will ever have," Deidara smirked.

"What?"

"Why am I in the list of 'less fans than the others'?" Kisame roared.

"Well, you two don't look very human, so you can't be as hot."

"You have a frickin mouth on your chest, Sasori's a damn puppet, Hidan changes colors like a magic crayon, Kakuzu looks like a fricking rapist/thief, Tobi has a retarded mask, Pein is a dead body, Nagato is anorexic, Konan's a woman, and Itachi's blind!"

"Excuse me for having boobs and being dick-free!" Konan yelled.

"Well Sasori looks damn hot as a puppet and lots of girls (and I) are attracted to his stripping (actually, that's the second-to-last final attack…many die of blood-loss), I can please people with my hands/mouths, Hidan's never going to find love anyway, Kakuzu would kill his woman for her life-insurance, Tobi is considered "cuddly" ("THANK YOU, SEMPAI! TOBI THINKS YOU ARE ALSO VERY CUDDLY!") Pein is sexy with the piercings, no one knows of Nagato, Konan has fanboys (I think), and Itachi's the most normal and incredibly powerful person who has more fangirls than the amount of fillers on Bleach!" Deidara spat back.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I would kill my woman for money," Kakuzu nodded.

Pein sighed, "Whatever, let's just get on with the fanart page." He turned it to find it had sections. They were labeled with the names of the Akatsuki members and some had their pairings.

"What's ItaSaso?" Sasori asked as he turned to the page.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

"SASORI'S MINE, DAMMIT!" yelled Deidara.

"ITACHI'S MINE, DAMMIT!" yelled Kisame.

Konan had a nosebleed, Pein dropped the book, Itachi wondered what was going on (considering that he's blind), Zetsu burst into flames, Tobi giggled, Kakuzu attempted to steal the picture to sell, and Sasori screamed, "YES I GET THE HOT GUY, NOT THE STUPID BLONDE!"

"I thought you loved me!"

"Call it a love triangle if you will."

"What's going on?" Itachi asked.

"You're raping Sasori," Hidan promptly replied.

Itachi grinned and turned to stare at his victim in the fanart.

"…What are you doing?" Kakuzu asked.

"I'm staring lovingly at Sasori," Itachi replied.

"Dude, that's me."

"…"

"CHANGE THE PICTURE!" Konan screamed as she turned to PeinKon.

"Awww," she mushed.

"Urg, straight love. How boring," Deidara groaned. He turned the page to HidaKaku.

"CHANGE THAT PICTURE RIGHT NOW!" Hidan screamed as he turned to DeiSaso.

Deidara giggled gleefully as Sasori turn the page from the picture from them on top of each other, touching in places, to them standing side by side. In the picture, Sasori stood on the right and Deidara on the left.

"…Yeah, like that's accurate," Deidara groaned again.

"You're right. I'm much taller than that," Sasori nodded.

"Hey Sasori, why do you look like you have boobs in this picture?"

"Deidara, I'm the one on the _right._"

"…Damn you."

Hidan laughed as they browsed through more pictures, getting an occasional giggle, epic face, and nosebleeds. Once in a while, they'd get a picture of a character from a different anime and wonder about it.

"Tobi is wondering who this person is."

Everyone peered onto a half-naked guy on a bed, getting kissed on the hand by another, older, uglier guy. The speech bubble said something about the true Kuran successor.

"I don't know, but he's hot," Konan blushed.

Pein glared.

"Hey, isn't this just a misspelling?" Deidara pointed out, "Kuran, Konan…there's only a two-letter difference!"

"Hey Konan, are you from a rich, famous family?"

"Mebeh."

"Seriously."

"No."

"Then who-"

"Apparently, this guy's Shiki Senri from Vampire Knight," Kakuzu read the caption.

Then the same guy walked into the bathroom, "Hey, we're missing a panel in the manga-oh, so you're the thieves! This part is very important in the manga. If you want a copy, buy it, bitches!" Senri spat as he snatched the picture from them and walked away.

"…"

"…"

"…What just happened?"

"I don't know…oh hey, here's a pink haired-"

"Rip it to shreds, I've had a bad experience with pink haired bitches," Sasori ordered.

"But her name's Hinamori Amu from Shugo Chara and the pedophile side of me wants to rape her," Hidan complained.

"RIP IT."

Hidan sighed as he did so.

"How come we have pictures from shojo manga mix in with the album of us when we're from a shonen manga?" Itachi wondered aloud.

"…dude, you're right…what are these girly manga doing he-DEIDARA!"

"I KEEP THEM UNDER THE BED AND I DO NOT CUT THEM APART INTO AN ALBUM!"

"Fine, fine, gosh…"

"Here's a cute picture…it's a girl named Haruhi from Ouran High Host Club…or something like that," Pein handed them the picture.

"Awww, I wanna take her home~" Konan squee-ed.

"You're doing it wrong, bitch. That's Higurashi's Rena."

"You watch Higurashi?"

"That stuff has some intense, sadistic torture methods," Hidan shrugged.

"That thing's a girl?" Deidara frowned.

"She looks manlier than you ever will, Barbie," Sasori smirked.

"That's coming from the puppet."

"Touché."

They all sighed as they flipped onto the last preface page…FANFICTION.

"Hey look, it has sections like the fanart page did," Kisame pointed out as they turned to ItaSaku.

"..."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Well? What's in it?" Asked the blind Itachi.

"…Tobi didn't know Itachi liked Sakura."

"WHAT?"

Everyone fell back in shrieks of laughter, "Oh Itachi, you pedophile! In this fanfiction, the bitch is seven and you're in your twenties!"

"Sh-shut up!" Itachi randomly flipped the book onto another page.

"Oh? This one says OC love…what's an OC?"

"I don't know…Deidara?"

"It means 'original character'," Deidara promptly replied.

"Yeah, cause only you would have known that, you fucker."

"NO I DO NOT LIKE THIS STORY, LET'S READ SOMETHING ELSE!" Sasori squealed as he flipped the book elsewhere.

"…I am totally going over that."

"Hm? What's this? 'Old Photos'?" Pein stared at its contents.

"…"

"…"

"…Itachi."

"Yes, Leader?"

"Check to see if there is a person or camera in twenty miles radius of us."

"Sure, ok."

Itachi did as he was told and as he looked around…

"WHO'S THERE?" He screamed, "IMA FIRING MA…"

Great jets of laser beams exploded from his eyes and mouth. It soon faded and left nothing but a pile of ashes where the tree he was examining stood.

"Is this…another great Sharingan of the Uchiha?" Konan exclaimed.

"No, it's his pewpew lazor," Kisame sighed.

"Rawr," Deidara added.

"Gosh, Itachi, that hurt!" a voice cried out from the giant pile of ashes. Out popped out a silvery white haired person.

"Who are you and how are you recording our every word to this very second?" Pein asked, pointing at the fanfiction, "Even now, as I ask this question, it is being written in here!"

She laughed and took a bow as her long silver hair slipped down her shoulders, "I am the author of this fanfiction. I'm probably going to change my penname, but for now, call me Alice Kim."

"Are you Korean?" Kakuzu asked.

"And I like my Chinese food cooked right," she replied.

"Oh my god, she really is Korean!"

"North or South?" Deidara asked.

"East."

"So you're from Japan?"

"You stupid blonde. This is why Sasori wants to be with Itachi more than you...in fact, I hate SasoDei. SasoriXOC FTW!" Alice spat as Deidara crawled to an emo corner and cried.

"…You are a fangirl…"

"No, I am a unicorn. Of course I'm a fangirl!" Alice rolled her eyes at Sasori.

"Then you are the one…"

"Pfft, no, I would have made a Sasori album, not an Akatsuki album! ("Hey, that's my idea!" Deidara cried) Unless the Akatsuki pictures were funny or something…"

"Then who…what…why…"

"Do you all want to know?" Alice grinned maliciously.

"Y-Yes…" The entire Akatsuki shivered at the sight of her evil aura.

"Well then…I shall tell thou…that you all…HAVE BEEN RICK ROLL'D!"

The bathroom magically pulled apart to reveal a TV studio. Alice held up a mike, "NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN-"

"FUUUUUUU-"

"NOOOO!"

"THIS IS ALL YOUR DAMN FAULT, DEIDARA!"

"TOBI LOVES BEING RICK ROLL'D!"

"What's a TV?"


End file.
